The Voice's Golden Moments 2007 no's 10-6...
Number 10 – ‘Messiah-gate’
Date: Saturday June 16th
Opposition: Billericay
Starring: Pontius Pilate and ‘Brian’
The book of the voice chapter 3:16 says, “no hard feelings yeah?”
Number 9 - ‘It’s not coming out right’
Date: Saturday July 14th
Opposition: Stanford Le Hope
Starring: Ben Giles
After an opening burst of bowling in the sun from Braithwaite and a wayward 5 overs from an injured Villani, Mark Sexton was under pressure and looking for options to restrict the flourishing Stanford batsmen. Luckily he had Ben Giles straining at the bit to be brought on and show his worth to the team. Unluckily Ben then proceeded to bowl a mix-bag three overs of decent stuff with a hearty helping of absolute dross. As he walked towards the top of his run up for the fourth over he was under a cloud of personal doubt. Stanford were looking comfortable, he needed to produce something special, it was up to him to get the break through. He roared in and the ball roared to the boundary. After his 6th ball he had conceded 11 off the over. He walked away disconsolate, making a slashing movement with his hand across his throat, he told his captain to take him off, "it’s not coming out right". This would normally be bad enough for any bowler to concede defeat in such a way. Unfortunately for Ben the embarrassment was made even more complete by the umpire calling to him that, because of a wide delivered during the over, there was actually one more ball to bowl. Ben had to then walk back to his mark and bowl another ball which was hit for four past point.
Never has a chin been lower…
Number 8 – ‘No-one is safe’
Date: Saturday June 23rd
Opposition: Hutton
Starring: Stuart Elliott
The two’s needed to kick start their season after going 3 games without a win, competition for places was at its greatest all season, everyone was under pressure. The situation needed the top order to fire and put the bowlers on a solid platform to push for a win against top of the table Hutton. Captain ‘Roll the molars’ Elliott knew that he needed to inspire his troops with words of wisdom and deliver a reminder that ‘no ones place was guaranteed’ and that several players from the thirds could easily take peoples places if performances did you improve. He delivered his career defining speech as if the spirits of Horatio Nelson, Adolf Hitler and Winston Churchill had been melded together into one and engulfed the second team captain. As his ‘we will fight them on the beaches’ speech boomed out, the team listened, captivated by their leader, and went out with renewed vigour to do battle with the mighty Hutton. After 4 balls Leigh were 0-3 with two golden ducks (Dyos and Elliott) and one second baller (Liston) already on the board. After four more overs Leigh had piled on 5 runs for the loss of only 2 more wickets, leaving them virtually dead and buried after just half an hour. Responding to their captain’s words of warning over their continued failure, the top order had joined together and plunged over the edge of the abyss as one, thinking that their was, if nothing else, safety in numbers!
Number 7 – ‘Vortex’
Date: Sunday June 24th
Opposition: Orsett
Starring: Chris Villani and Richard Selfington
By this time in the season ‘the vortex’ (which is a small rugby ball shaped object with a long rubber tail to give increased hang time and noise for those who have not encountered it) was already playing a starring role at any game to which it was taken. Either hitting unsuspecting players or throwing it just over someone’s head so the wail of the ball could be heard loudly, was developing into a skill in itself. Whilst Dave Catch and Villanio were practising this particular throwing challenge in the nets at Orsett, they were presented with a new target, one that would prove to be irresistible. Padded up waiting to bat in the same area as the vortex throwers was Richard ‘Gordon Gekko’ Selfington. He was due to attend a high powered business interview the next day and was particularly keen not to pick up any injuries (especially to his pretty boy facial features) that would spoil the charm offensive he was planning to lay down the following day (codename ‘operation more money for me’). Villani then succumbed to the devilish desire that had no doubt been in the forefront of his mind since Selfington homed into view. He fired the vortex at him from close range hitting the businessman square in the braces.
The red mist instantly descended onto the Selfington, and he turned on the blonde Aussie and attempted to make him regret his actions. A scuffle ensued with much pushing and shoving and blows aimed at all areas (some extremely private) only ceasing when Catchpole turned peacemaker and pulled the two warring factions apart. Shouting erupted with Selfington insisting that Villani “should be deported” and that ‘he knew people that could make that happen’. As yet Villani remains alive and in the country. For how long…..no one knows.
Number 6 – ‘Sean vs. Child’
Date: Saturday June 9th
Opposition: Southend – on – Sea
Starring: ‘The Russian’
Kids grow up so fast don’t they? Pre-teens these days are going out, getting drunk, getting pregnant, and now they appear to be heading for ‘the final frontier’…….sledging older batsman at third eleven cricket games. Returning from an injury sustained at a Marxist rally, Sean found himself in the third team for the game against Southend, looking for runs to stake a claim for a regular two’s place. Upon arriving at the crease for this pressure innings, Sackov quickly found a slice of form with the Southend bowler feeding him with a short wide ball that was punched through point for four. A few balls later Elliup repeated the shot and again harvested four from it. Dispatching another ball through point for 4 however got the goat of the 12 year old Southend boy fielding at mid wicket. Sensing that Sean was chronically weak mentally, the boy commented “Come on boys, he’s only got one shot!” Sean’s fragile mind fell apart like a four week old rhubarb crumble and the only thing he thought he could do in the face of such hostility was attempt to smash the next ball at the child to teach him a valuable lesson to respect his elders.
Next ball was straight and Sean whipped his bat through the line of the ball, wrenching his wrists round to send the ball towards the mid wicket V he normally operates in. Unfortunately for Comrade Elliott the ball had other ideas, dropped the shoulder and went past his bat like a New Zealand winger running past James Pettitt, smashing into middle and off which were the only things in its path. Sackov trudged back to the pavilion a beaten man. Child 1 – Sean 0
p.s. Sean later tried to get his own back by stooping down to the 12 year olds level, by saying ‘lets see how many shots you’ve got then!’ when the small boy came in. Child 2 – Sean 0
Date: Saturday June 16th
Opposition: Billericay
Starring: Pontius Pilate and ‘Brian’
The book of the voice chapter 3:16 says, “no hard feelings yeah?”
Number 9 - ‘It’s not coming out right’
Date: Saturday July 14th
Opposition: Stanford Le Hope
Starring: Ben Giles
After an opening burst of bowling in the sun from Braithwaite and a wayward 5 overs from an injured Villani, Mark Sexton was under pressure and looking for options to restrict the flourishing Stanford batsmen. Luckily he had Ben Giles straining at the bit to be brought on and show his worth to the team. Unluckily Ben then proceeded to bowl a mix-bag three overs of decent stuff with a hearty helping of absolute dross. As he walked towards the top of his run up for the fourth over he was under a cloud of personal doubt. Stanford were looking comfortable, he needed to produce something special, it was up to him to get the break through. He roared in and the ball roared to the boundary. After his 6th ball he had conceded 11 off the over. He walked away disconsolate, making a slashing movement with his hand across his throat, he told his captain to take him off, "it’s not coming out right". This would normally be bad enough for any bowler to concede defeat in such a way. Unfortunately for Ben the embarrassment was made even more complete by the umpire calling to him that, because of a wide delivered during the over, there was actually one more ball to bowl. Ben had to then walk back to his mark and bowl another ball which was hit for four past point.
Never has a chin been lower…
Number 8 – ‘No-one is safe’
Date: Saturday June 23rd
Opposition: Hutton
Starring: Stuart Elliott
The two’s needed to kick start their season after going 3 games without a win, competition for places was at its greatest all season, everyone was under pressure. The situation needed the top order to fire and put the bowlers on a solid platform to push for a win against top of the table Hutton. Captain ‘Roll the molars’ Elliott knew that he needed to inspire his troops with words of wisdom and deliver a reminder that ‘no ones place was guaranteed’ and that several players from the thirds could easily take peoples places if performances did you improve. He delivered his career defining speech as if the spirits of Horatio Nelson, Adolf Hitler and Winston Churchill had been melded together into one and engulfed the second team captain. As his ‘we will fight them on the beaches’ speech boomed out, the team listened, captivated by their leader, and went out with renewed vigour to do battle with the mighty Hutton. After 4 balls Leigh were 0-3 with two golden ducks (Dyos and Elliott) and one second baller (Liston) already on the board. After four more overs Leigh had piled on 5 runs for the loss of only 2 more wickets, leaving them virtually dead and buried after just half an hour. Responding to their captain’s words of warning over their continued failure, the top order had joined together and plunged over the edge of the abyss as one, thinking that their was, if nothing else, safety in numbers!
Number 7 – ‘Vortex’
Date: Sunday June 24th
Opposition: Orsett
Starring: Chris Villani and Richard Selfington
By this time in the season ‘the vortex’ (which is a small rugby ball shaped object with a long rubber tail to give increased hang time and noise for those who have not encountered it) was already playing a starring role at any game to which it was taken. Either hitting unsuspecting players or throwing it just over someone’s head so the wail of the ball could be heard loudly, was developing into a skill in itself. Whilst Dave Catch and Villanio were practising this particular throwing challenge in the nets at Orsett, they were presented with a new target, one that would prove to be irresistible. Padded up waiting to bat in the same area as the vortex throwers was Richard ‘Gordon Gekko’ Selfington. He was due to attend a high powered business interview the next day and was particularly keen not to pick up any injuries (especially to his pretty boy facial features) that would spoil the charm offensive he was planning to lay down the following day (codename ‘operation more money for me’). Villani then succumbed to the devilish desire that had no doubt been in the forefront of his mind since Selfington homed into view. He fired the vortex at him from close range hitting the businessman square in the braces.
The red mist instantly descended onto the Selfington, and he turned on the blonde Aussie and attempted to make him regret his actions. A scuffle ensued with much pushing and shoving and blows aimed at all areas (some extremely private) only ceasing when Catchpole turned peacemaker and pulled the two warring factions apart. Shouting erupted with Selfington insisting that Villani “should be deported” and that ‘he knew people that could make that happen’. As yet Villani remains alive and in the country. For how long…..no one knows.
Number 6 – ‘Sean vs. Child’
Date: Saturday June 9th
Opposition: Southend – on – Sea
Starring: ‘The Russian’
Kids grow up so fast don’t they? Pre-teens these days are going out, getting drunk, getting pregnant, and now they appear to be heading for ‘the final frontier’…….sledging older batsman at third eleven cricket games. Returning from an injury sustained at a Marxist rally, Sean found himself in the third team for the game against Southend, looking for runs to stake a claim for a regular two’s place. Upon arriving at the crease for this pressure innings, Sackov quickly found a slice of form with the Southend bowler feeding him with a short wide ball that was punched through point for four. A few balls later Elliup repeated the shot and again harvested four from it. Dispatching another ball through point for 4 however got the goat of the 12 year old Southend boy fielding at mid wicket. Sensing that Sean was chronically weak mentally, the boy commented “Come on boys, he’s only got one shot!” Sean’s fragile mind fell apart like a four week old rhubarb crumble and the only thing he thought he could do in the face of such hostility was attempt to smash the next ball at the child to teach him a valuable lesson to respect his elders.
Next ball was straight and Sean whipped his bat through the line of the ball, wrenching his wrists round to send the ball towards the mid wicket V he normally operates in. Unfortunately for Comrade Elliott the ball had other ideas, dropped the shoulder and went past his bat like a New Zealand winger running past James Pettitt, smashing into middle and off which were the only things in its path. Sackov trudged back to the pavilion a beaten man. Child 1 – Sean 0
p.s. Sean later tried to get his own back by stooping down to the 12 year olds level, by saying ‘lets see how many shots you’ve got then!’ when the small boy came in. Child 2 – Sean 0
posted by The Voice at 5:01 AM
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