Number 5 – ‘Hitting the nail on the head'
Date: Saturday August 18th
Opposition: None
Starring: Selfington and Mark Sexton
This was quite possibly the most shocking moment of the Leigh 2007 season. The brutal nature of it stunned all that were in attendance, as a normal cricket club conversation turned into a scene of blood and pain. It all started so innocently;
The second team had returned from a difficult day at Harold Wood Caravan Park, and several players from the ones had remained in the bar at the park after their game. The usual post game banter began amongst those in the club. Much attention was made of the first team captain, who had scored a half century and was standing at the bar with no shoes on. Upon interrogation it was discovered that during his heroic innings he had middled a ball into the big toe of left foot, and the digit did indeed look to be in a very painful state. After a time a three way conversation between (a seated) Selfington ‘Snicky Snicky’ Bassett and Sexton developed, with Selfington putting forward the idea that his salix should be promoted to the first team. As this tête-à-tête continued Selfington began to sense that the groundswell of opinion was that this was a good idea. Selfington and ‘the salix’ in the ones, yeah, that sounded like a plan! As he saw his chance of getting into the first team opening up in front of him, Selfington began to feel the excitement of the moment. He began to struggle to remain still in his chair or halt his hands trembling at the thought of being a club hero. In this mood of child-like glee he swung his feet around his chair and caught the first team captain with a glancing blow right on his damaged toe. Emitting a cry similar to that of a (welsh) grizzly that has been caught in a bear trap, Mark leapt out of the pavilion on one leg with his toe pumping blood horrifically. As people rushed to his aid outside Selfington remained seated………...head in his hands…………….knowing that yet again he had f*cked it up.
Number 4 – 'In it for the money'
Date: Saturday 11th August
Opposition: Woodford Wells
Starring: Stephen Elliott
(Co-Starring: Ben Giles and the first team)
Pranks are a well known mainstay of the all Leigh dressing rooms, and this was one of the cream of the 2007 crop. Having completed some decorating chores for Ben Giles, Steve arrived at the game still awaiting payment from the big Chinese fast bowler. Chin handed over the £180 fee before the match against Woodford Wells began and all appeared to be hunky dory for the Canvey lad. However, unbeknownst to him, Ben was hatching a plan that would explode all over Elliott like a particularly excited John Maynard. The plan was that Steve's wallet (now containing an extra £180) would be taken from the valuables and the money removed. When the valuables were handed out after the game, the players getting their wallets first would pretend that they had been victims of a devious changing room thief. By saying that minor sums of money had been taken from them, Elliott would instantly be on edge knowing that he had close to £200 in his wallet, would it still be there? The plan swung into action with the assistance of the team, and as the match finished and the valuables were handed out and the game was afoot. The first players to get their valuables back instantly reported to the rest of the team that they had had money stolen from their wallets, £20 missing here, £10 missing there and so it would have been an extremely very nervous Stevo who picked up his (now decidedly weightless) wallet and looked inside.......to see to his horror, that the money had completely disappeared! Elliott visibly melted in the face of such an act of wilful theft of so much money. "My money's gone too, and I had almost £200 in there!!" After about two seconds his tormentors could not handle the look of disgust on Steve's face any longer and everyone burst out laughing.
Amazingly Beadle was not involved!
Number 3 – 'Do the white line'
Date: Sunday 8th July
Opposition: Chelmsford
Starring: Chris Villani and Simon f*cking Wallace
Sensationally slam dunking into the top 3, and not to be outdone on the joke front, Simon f*cking Wallace, with this effort on our overseas import. A Sunday game against Chelmsford is normally a recipe for a jolly good hiding on the windswept moor that is Chelmer Park; with sunny moments normally very hard to come by. With time on his hands in the changing room, the prankster mind of Simon f*cking Wallace sprang into action in a bid to lighten the mood of the side. With Villani's equipment lying around 'unguarded' Beadle decided to fill the curly haired man's gloves with talcum powder, sit back, and watch the action. As the wicket fell that brought Chris to the crease, Chris strode out slipping his hands into the sabotaged gloves. After a minute or two at the crease with small wisps of white dust dancing around his wrists, Vills smelled a rat (probably a white one) He took his gloves off and a plume of white smoke unfurled itself from inside, billowing out like weather supercell gathering over Mexico. Glancing down at his hands he saw they had taken on an almost albino-like skin hue. Kneeling down he started beating his gloves against the floor sending more and more talcum powder dust into the air. Up riotous laughter was flowing freely from the Leigh sidelines at the scene that was unfolding in the middle with Villani now unable to be seen at all.
The laughter from Matt Wallace was possibly loudest of all at the talcum attack, but later on the shoe was very much on the other foot Smerca discovered his jeans pockets had been another casualty of the talcum powder kid's rampage!
Number 2 – 'Why, why, whhyyyyy, Paul Sibley?'
Date: Saturday 30th June
Opposition: Harold Wood
Starring: Paul Sibley
Sensationally slam dunking into the top 2 is possibly THE most toe curling moment of the whole countdown. It happened in a second team game at Chalkwell Park against Harold Wood. The game itself was spoiled by rain but spirits around the home dressing room was still high. Lee 'Candyman' Willson had been dishing out sweets from the shop to anyone that wanted them, and various rain games had sprung up spontaneously. As the game was finally called off by mutual consent as the heavens opened again, the Leigh team returned to the changing rooms annoyed but still in good heart. An unexpected jug was brought into the changing rooms to add further cheer to proceedings.
With the Candyman (and his bag) taking up the area around 'The Burch Perch’, the pale pink changing room table (that had been in the changing room for at least half a decade) was in the middle of the room still and various bags and glasses and rubbish were cutting off the left hand way around the room, space was indeed at a premium. As Paul Sibley entered the room, he realised that a clear path to his bag on the other side of the room was going to prove tricky. He paused for a moment as his mind quickly ticked through the possible ways to his bag, like an overweight Jack Bauer trying to find his way past a terror cell that are attempting to blow up a doughnut. He finally found the best way was to avoid the long and treacherous road around the table and just go straight over the top. This would normally not been a problem, however Paul had eaten a lot of the Candyman's treasure trove of sweeties during the game and was carrying up to 2 extra stone in weight. As he put his foot onto the top of the table it collapsed under the strain making an almighty crunching noise as wood splintered and buckled. Upon removing his foot it was clear to see that a fatal blow had been landed to the table and that no matter of chest compressions or mouth to mouth would save it as it flat lined out of existence.
Not happy with securing entry into the top 15 of the golden moment’s countdown, 'Baywatch' Sibbo then attempted to shoot for top spot. When questioned by Steve 'Basildon' Brown over the gargantuan pair of shoes that Sibley had prepared for his post game activities, Paul answered with such staggering lack of forethought that left the rest of the team stunned to the very fibre of their beings. Many of those players that were present at the time have sworn that they saw the tiny man that controls Paul's brain leaving his post, picking up a pack of Rothmans from his bag and popping out for a crafty one leaving Paul to fend for himself for 5 minutes (big mistake). Paul answered the query about the size of his feet by revealing not only the size of his feet but also the size of something rather more personal. Many were left flabbergasted at this staggeringly unnecessary admission. With ladies man Willson, shaking his head for a good half an hour in utter bewilderment.
Number 1 – 'Boom shake, shake, shake the room'
Date: Saturday 18th August
Opposition: Harold Wood
Starring: Simon f*cking Wallace
And here we are at The Voice's number 1 moment of 2007. Sensationally slam dunking into the top spot is this years duck award winner Simon f*cking Wallace. High ranking right wing think tank official Simon, normally the first to bemoan any yobbish behaviour at the club, has this season been conspicuous in his displays of annoyance at his performances. Twice he has stunned onlookers with shows of pure rage. The first time was at an away game (the location of which the clubs lawyers have advised me not to mention for fear of a damage bill being received) in the first team. Simon upon returning to the pavilion went 'completely off his face' and smashing his bat into everything and anything in his path, leaving in his wake a trail of destruction that Hurricane Dean would have looked at with some respect.
This incident has been taken into evidence by the prosecution as merely supplementary evidence. The main reason that Beadle has been hoisted to the top of the tree, occurred in the away Harold Wood second team fixture. Having fielded like he was taking a cocktail of amphetamines, steroids and crack cocaine, Simon looked relaxed striding to the crease at number 7 looking at a pitch that was literally doing everything. Brown had earlier caught one on the lid from a ball only marginally short of a length, and anything hitting the deck was getting variable bounce and sideways movement, ideal for a player of Simon's quality off the back foot. Having had what some have would call a 'disappointing' season and most others would call 'a disaster' Simon proceeded to get off the mark fairly quickly (a triumph in many ways) and started to graft his way into his innings. As he moved past 10, he was starting to look comfortable, starting to get acclimatised to the pitch and the bowling. He moved past 15 with a stylish drive and all looked well.
On 17 however he was undone, a leg side delivery bounced more than expected and rebounded onto his stumps off a combination of pad, gloves, bat and floor. He looked back in disgust at how he had been dismissed, (exactly the same way he had been bowled the previous Sunday) but had no option but to leave the crease. He walked back to his team huddled together as the cold drew in. The burned down Harold Wood pavilion was in stark contrast to the fire that welled up inside him and he crossed the boundary, and it overflowed like Krakatoa as he hurled his bat against the wire fence surrounding the burnt out pavilion as his team mates recoiled. Picking up the bat he moved into the away portacabin and the door swung shut behind him. As observers looked on the violence occurring within the cabin was clear to be heard, the thumping of willow against the prefab walls was deafening. The steady movement of the cabin as 'hell was unleashed' slowly finished and many thought the fury was over, not by a long chalk, as a minute later (clearly after replaying the dismissal in his mind) Si went on a new offensive, battering the cabin anew. After another lull followed by a final fling of sheer aggravation, the cabin settled back on its bearings and quiet again reigned at the ground. 6 minutes and 24 seconds of unbridled chaos had been unleashed on the away portacabin and it lived to tell the tale.
Imagine what would have happened if he had got a duck.....
