Golden Moments 2008 countdown 5-1...

Number 5 - 'Where did I put my wallet?'

Date: Saturday August 16th
Opposition: Basildon and Pitsea

Starring: Damian Liston


Everybody realises that cricket is a vital part of the British way of life, many would say essential even. The only thing that could possibly supplant this at the top table of the 'most important things in life' is......alcohol. When these two come together to form one whole, the glory of what results warms the heart and cleanses the soul (as well as the contents of the stomach if the mix is too heavily in favour of the alcohol).

One of these most holy of unions took place on Friday the 15th August. A midweek game was occurring and a Leigh XI were trying bravely to fight their way out of trouble as several Leigh stalwarts began arriving to watch the battle. Drinks began to flow as the action continued, and as Matthew Wallace's team (being led that day by Robert Catchpole) sank lower into the quagmire of inevitable defeat the bar began to come to the fore. Soon drinks were flowing with regularity and the main protagonists - Knox, Elliott, Liston, Brown, Seal (D & J), Elliott and Freeman began enjoying the frivolity that comes when cricket and booze join hands.

The highlights of the evening was a Steve Elliott led discussion on the right way and the wrong way to tie your van to someone's house, and a highly dodgy game of pool between the aforementioned Elliott and a highly distracted Ed Freeman which ended in 'KD Lang' Freeman doing 3 laps of the pool table stark naked! (A video of this event is available from The Voice upon request)

As summer invariably turns to autumn, Magners invariably turns into Jaeger Bombs as so it came to pass that all staggered out of the club several shades after midnight to return to their homes for r & r before the Saturday fixtures.

The next morning dawn rose bright eyed and bushy tailed, with a 12 o'clock meet at Chalkwell Park for the second team and a trip away for the firsts. As 10 of the 11 players in the two's began to warm up gently before the game against Basildon, one member was conspicuous by his absence. Bar committee general and main warm up hitter Damian Liston was MIA. Queries over potential hangovers began to be questioned. Had he found his way home that night? Had Nic finally grown tired of his llllludicrous accent and left him on the doorstep? Had the dingo eaten our Damian? These questions were soon answered as upon returning to the changing room after practice, captain Pettitt elected to phone the Australian and request his prompt arrival. In Brian's hand as the phone dialled was the wallet of Listoff, who upon locking the club in the early morning had left his money behind the bar.

The phone rang.

After Liston answered, a curious conversation was half heard by the dressing room, which was later retold by Brian. The crux of the problem was that Liston had returned home after drinkies and promptly collapsed into a deep drunken sleep. Upon his waking, he had only a few hours until he needed to be at the park. After packing his kit up he then searched for his wallet for half an hour without any success. As he could not find said wallet, fear that he had lost it on the journey home suddenly invaded his mind, he moved decisively (very unlike his running between the wickets) and swiftly to cancel all of his credit and debit cards with the various banks he frequents. Involving long and no doubt costly calls to customer services departments as far a field as India, Sri Lanka and Croydon.

As Brian gleefully informed Damo of the actual position of his wallet the Aussie was said to be 'sick as a gallah'.


Number 4 - 'Let him taste the leather'

Date: Saturday June 21st
Opposition: Benfleet

Starring: Toby Giles and Robert Catchpole


Now everyone knows that there is nothing a 18-30 year old man loves more than a bit of blood and gore in his entertainment. Obviously if there should happen to be a scantily clad female in the area then its all the better. Alas in this moment the female was sadly lacking but the blood and gore were very much present.

It happened even before a ball had been bowled in anger in the match of the day. In fact only half a dozen of the Benfleet team had even arrived at Chalkwell Park when Brian had led his team onto the outfield for some vital warming up exercise. No doubt using the Denis philosophy that there is no more scary sight than turning up and seeing the other team already out on the field warming up. If Benfleet had been watching no doubt they would have been slightly put off not only by the sheer violence on show rather than any skill being displayed.

Rob Catchpole had returned to Leigh action and had been told to score some runs in the second team to re-establish his place in the ones. This had clearly gone down very well with the younger Pole who turned up looking as if someone had taken his toys away, piled them up and slowly driven a tank over them as he watched. The news that he would be stepping in at number 3 cheered the little fella up slightly but not more than that. Having been out of form thus far into the fairly new season, Rob was keen to get as much bat on ball as he possibly could before his important innings, even asking a few of the bowlers to give him some throw downs as the warm up came to a conclusion. Toby Giles jumped at this chance to test his bowling against a first team bat. Bowling just off the strip Rob was happy enough facing the left armer without too much padding on and the thought of getting the lid out had barely occurred to him. However such lack of safety precautions was to prove to be his undoing as Toby was hatching a devious plan. After noticing a bit of bounce in the uncut grass surface, Toby decided to go across the seam to give Rob a bit of a test. As he whipped his arm over the ball came out perfectly, ripping through the air striking the ground and getting just the right amount of bite to send it jagging up almost vertically before tearing through the fragile defence of the young man like a high velocity rifle bullet through a plate glass window. The ball smashed into his lower lip, leaving Rob recoiled in pain and bleeding furiously.

The sheer deviousness of the plan shocked many onlookers with Giles later quipping how he had wanted to 'get a bit of bounce' hence the change in grip. (The media have suggested that Giles might perhaps have been seeking revenge for Rob's arrival forcing him further down the batting order.)

Rob now with a fiercely split lip was forced to go behind the bar to apply ice to reduce not inconsiderate amount of swelling in his face. He also had to wash the taste of a conflict with Tobes 'The Tobeinator' Giles out of his mouth (insert John Maynard quote here). Rob batted bravely through the pain that day, giving sweat, tears and quite a lot of blood for the cause!


Number 3 - 'Where can you go for top notch therapy these days?'

Date: Saturday July 19th
Opposition: Old Southendians

Starring: Ben Giles


The biologist and philosopher Charles Darwin, the nurse Florence Nightingale, the billionaire aviator and entrepreneur Howard Hughes, the electrical engineer Nikola Tesla, the film director Woody Allen, the actress Jessica Alba and the England footballer David Beckham. What, I hear you cry, do these people have to do with Leigh cricket? Nothing obviously, but they all suffer from an illness. An illness which, according to the World Health Organisation, is one of the ten most disabling illness of any kind. An illness which www.ocduk.org classifies as a phenomenon of obsessional, repetitive, intrusive and unwelcome thoughts, images, impulses and doubts which they find hard to ignore. These thoughts form the obsessional part of 'Obsessive-Compulsive' and they usually (but not always) cause the person to perform repetitive compulsions in a vain attempt to relieve themselves of the obsessions and neutralise the all pervading fear.

Any quick scan through 'Nutters Quarterly' or similar publications on mental health will bring up studies such as this one. The patient here is a man in his early 30's known as - B.G. (initials used for anonymity)

Saturday 19th July:

Patient B.G. is today being assessed whilst in his social environment of exercise, away from any serious mental anguish (such as the doctor’s office with suspected bowel cancer, the local physiotherapy centre with imaginary buttock injuries or the frequently frequented GUM clinics)

Even in these relaxed surroundings, patient B.G. still displayed a very unhealthy level of compulsive behaviour. With first symptoms being a general inability to leave his car until all the mirrors were in the right spots. The patient then settled into his lower level state being able to run around and perform rudimentary motor functions without any obvious problems. However, more serious aspects of his personality came to the fore later in the day when he had to walk to the centre of the field and have a round projectile thrust at his person.

This appeared to affect the patient rather unexpectedly. The patient appeared to relapse into a preset combination of pad touches and slight manipulation of undergarments, moving methodically around his thigh region until after a moment or two he seemed to convince himself everything was ok and was ready to continue with the game.

Another feature of the illness appears to be making the patient believe that he can’t touch any of the painted white lines on the field in which he is exercising. The patient appears to hop very effeminately over said lines at what appears to be a mental inability to break one of them.

All in all there still seems to be a lot of work needed with patient B.G. lest we forget we still have the deeply disturbing undertones of him sleeping with 'momma'.


Number 2 - 'For the fans'

Date: Saturday August 16th
Opposition: Southend on Sea

Starring: (18 Handicap) Ryan Madder


With O/S's refusing steadfastly to chase a very reachable Leigh target, this first team game was drying out quicker than a jellyfish in a microwave. Heads were down, frustration was high and that was just in the 4 spectators that had mistakenly stopped to watch some 'action'. All they wanted was some entertainment.

This was until one man sought to change all that. Was it a big hitting batsman? No. Was it one of the bowlers destroying the middle order? No. Was it the captain, conjuring a wicket from nowhere? No. What changed the game was the appearance and intervention of a shambling drunken gentleman who just happened to be walking past.

The man (whose fellows inebriates can be seen on all park cricket fields at various stages of the summer) in fact entered the fray quite unexpectedly. Whilst trying to find the shortest route to whatever passed as his home, he cut straight across the outfield. This raised the standard sharp response from those on the field "Mate! Can you walk behind the white line?” This response was digested quickly by Mr Northerner who replied surprisingly quickly with 'Sorry, I only snort white lines'. This sharp and rather witty comeback stunned the cricketers into laughter which helped this increasingly solemn game. With a pat on the back, he was wished on his way in typical Leigh on Sea fashion, 'F... off c'head' was bellowed at the chap from the ever ready mouth of Mr Waller.

This was all of friendly nature with fellow quickly realising the weight disadvantage he would have if he sought conflict with Dean. He wandered on, across to the far boundary happy (and indeed as drunk) as Larry himself, decked wonderfully in what Ben Giles would describe as 'perfect lounging attire' - marble effect Bermuda shorts, white plastic fantastic trainers, no shirt and a can of Tennents.

As the man wandered on, all eyes returned to the dull game unfolding. Well I say all eyes, but that was not quite true. Ryan Madder had decided he wanted a piece of the slag off action and Rusty decided to get involved by re-delivered Dean's words of wisdom. The Northerner whilst being wary of the larger Dean had no reservations about fronting up to the short, ginger, Stanford-le-hoper, and suddenly a series of four letter word filled salvos began being fired back and forth between the two, who were by this time effectively mid on and mid wicket.

Seeking a trump card after another volley from Madder the man dropped his shorts bent over and showed Rusty where the sun doesn't shine suggesting the short fast bowler could 'Kiss my arse you f****** ginger ****'. The ginger mist descended and Madder was then fuming. From nowhere a friend of the mooning man appeared and bravely started trying to drag the drunkard from the field onto which he had now strayed. The man (now thinking he had a winnable fight here) informed Rusty that he had a personal relationship with Madder's mother. Rusty now wants to kill the guy and in turn had to also be forcibly restrained from doing so by his skipper, who sought peace by sending him to the furthest point away from the still snarling drunken gentleman. With the man's friend now applying the sleeper hold in an attempt to subdue him, he seemed to accept that he would not get to feel the Madman’s flesh beneath his knuckles but would not stop his mind game just yet, as he threw out a chilling final gambit that he would be following Madder home later that day and would see Ryan well before Ryan saw him. His inebriated state however, lead many observers to doubt his ability to effectively act out this SAS style attack.

Ryan does now check both ways before opening his door.


Now it’s the moment you've been waiting for, we have seen the 15-2 countdown and now we get to the winner of The Voice golden moment award 2008. There could really be only one man that could top this years chart, I am sure you have all guessed who it is so without further ado I give you...


Number 1 - 'Broken'

Date: Saturday July 19th
Opposition: Old Southendians

Starring: Dave Archer


Many have suggested that this year one man seemed almost destined to top this chart. From the very first game of the season Dave Archer has been on a solo mission to climb this peak and stand triumphant at the summit looking down on all the rest. His quest has finally bore fruit and this has been truly the year of the Archer.

Many new recruits to a cricket team look to bed themselves in by being quiet, unassuming, slowly building friendships until they feel at ease being themselves in front of a large and accepting audience. Dave however went about his work slightly differently. First league game of the season he was amazingly able to pick off 7 12 year old Chelmsford batsman and would proclaim this feat with the now immortal words "That’s a jug boys!!" Queue most of the team looking at each other thinking "who the f___ is this guy?"

Through the season he kept up the disturbing ability to make some of his team-mates think he was slightly deranged. His team-mates also started to affix other names to him, the one which stuck easiest was 'G.A.' which made up for its undoubted lack of subtlety with what can only be described as homophobia.

Along with all these small horror moments Dave has built up a reputation of Sibley-esque self confidence, Freeman-esque swing bowling and a Liston-esque fielding style. Dave has earned this top spot however due to just one moment this season. It arrived midway through a devastatingly dull fielding afternoon at Shoebury Park and with Dave straining every sinew in an attempt to prove his worth to the team he had left a few months before. His appealing had become even more shrill than normal and the sweat was beginning to form in earnest across his brow. The OS batsmen were however easing into their task and dealing with Archer will comparative ease although the scoring was still bone jarringly slow.

Midway through an over Dave ran in to the crease and delivered a pitched up ball that the batsman straight drove back firmly at the bowler. Halfway through his follow through and having been unable to cling onto a difficult chance off his own bowling earlier in the innings, Dave was eager to stop the ball and stooped manfully to stop the ball from going past him. He stretched out and got a finger on the ball to halt its momentum, then recoiled in pain like a man under attack from a Texas Rattlesnake. Archer (not wanting anyone to be unaware of his plight) yelled at the top of his voice (with reference to his injured digit) "Sh*t, that is broken, that is a broken finger, that is definitely broken" before moving to add "Den that is broken, f**k that is broken, that is definitely broken" his team mates displayed the normal lack of solidarity during times like these, struggling to maintain straight faces as Dave continued to hop around on the strip as if in the throws of a deadly fit. Many of the Leigh team were actually surprised that he had not said "Thhhhhhat’s a broken finger boys!"

The opposing team (of his former friends) found the whole affair extremely amusing with the umpire questioning whether Dave had become a doctor all of a sudden, due to the certainty with which he had self diagnosed the injury. Amazingly Dave regained his composure after a few minutes, and even more amazingly he finished the over (to the surprise of all, who assumed he would be taking a trip off to Southend hospital to have his supposedly shattered finger repaired, and to the disappointment of Liston who had already gone through a lengthy stretching process) Dave 'The Doctor' had other ideas however and after completing the over he left the field to run his injured digit under the cold tap for a while, before returning after about 2 further over’s to bowl another 10 or so over’s.

God knows what would happen if he actually did break his finger... The Voice waits with baited breath and with pen at the ready.

Golden Moments 2008 countdown 10-6

Number 10 - 'Is that Arthur up there?'

Date: Saturday August 16th
Opposition: Basildon and Pitsea

Starring: Dave Clarke

After restricting Basildon to a paltry 146, any normal team would have been able to cruise to victory in this game with no real problems. Leigh however habitually decide to make these games into the sort of nail-biting, gut wrenching drama that would not look out of place in a Shakespeare tragedy. Early inroads gave Basildon a sniff of a win. When wickets 4 and 5 went down with still 20 runs needed (and the team batting effectively one man down due to the lower middle order Power of Dan being injured) Aaron Kerner and Joe Green were in trying to nudge Leigh closer to victory. As the lower order of Ben and Brian got padded up in front of the pavilion like Medieval knights awaiting a great battle, Dave Clarke had replaced Brian in the scorebox. Searching for a new pencil in Stubbington's pencil case, Dave unfortunately for all concerned stumbled across something that all mentally fragile batsman dread to hear - the duck call.

The man that to many encapsulates mental fragility in every way happened to be the batsman due in next - Ben Giles. Ben was padded and waiting to go in to perform his normal trick of sailing the ship home. However with the duck call in the hands of the Sledgehammer, Ben's mind started to turn to the consistency of finely strained chicken soup. As Clarke starting trumpeting the sound of a mallard, the noise started to hone in on the Giles psyche. After asking politely that Dave desist his quacking failed to achieve silence, Ben started getting angry. Insisting that Clarke stop in no uncertain terms. Strangely this seemed to spur Dave on. Ben's mind continued to crumble as now he had a small army of ducks stomping around in his brain. Ben's last act was then to plead for him to stop saying "Clarkey please stop, I'm falling to pieces down here". When another wicket fell Ben walked in to the sound of loud quacking. Amazingly able to hold it together enough to see off the first ball.

For the majority of the season Brian Pettitt had been doing a lot of the scoring for his team. His naturally nervous state of mind normally meaning that when the games got a little tense, he would spare no thought to letting his batsman know exactly what he imagined they should be doing or endeavouring to encourage the troops by screaming various sound-bites from the scorebox. When Brian Pettitt joined Ben at the crease, thankfully for every Leigh player, Dave declined to follow Brian out with the duck call. This game was as tense as any so far in the season and with Brian out in the middle Dave Clarke stepped up to the mantle of encourager in chief. With only 4 runs left to get Brian wafted at a wide one and Dave took no time in 'encouraging' by bellowing out "Get your f-ing head down Brian!"

A natural successor to the Hands has been found!


Number 9 - 'Traitor'

Date: Saturday August 30th
Opposition: Walthamstow / Leigh on Sea

Starring: Tim Knox

Our overseas import Tim Knox had made a big impression in his first season with the club, his bowling and batting being a great boost to new first team captain Stuart Elliott. Alas for Tim his Bruce Forsyth-esque appearance had not made such a big impression with the local female population (not nice to see him, to see him not nice) and for a long time he cut a forlorn and frankly unsatisfied figure until a local lass dropped her standards below the floor where Timothy was waiting! His true moment in the sun came not between the bedsheets but between the slips and point during the final league game of the season for the first team.

With a Walthamstow player off injured Leigh very generously sent there import out to sub field, with the opposing captain instantly putting Knox in at gully.

Sean Elliott was at the crease at the time facing their whippy New Zealand opening bowler. After leaving the first ball, Sean played semi forward to the second ball with perfectly coached soft hands but still only getting the outside half of his bat at the ball. The edge flew low toward Knox at gully. Surely the Leigh player would make an attempt but fail to catch it. It was a difficult chance, not a certainty for even a Test player (certainly if he was English) Tim would no doubt realise this and grass it for his friend... no, Tim with the reflexes of a cat who has been learning the ways of 'the force', threw his right hand down toward the ball with perfect timing snatched the catch mere centremetres from the turf.

To add insult to injury he then almost celebrated with the Walthamstow players due to the sheer unbelievable nature of the catch. Only just holding onto his impulse to hoop and holler, for understandable fear of retribution later.

Needless to say Sean didn't buy many drinks in the evening that followed the game!


Number 8 - 'The Letter'

Date: Wednesday May 7th
Opposition: N/A

Starring: Richard Stubbington

Dear Sir / Madam

I think you'll find that its all about me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!


Yours Truly

R Stubbington Esq.


Number 7 - 'Tim vs The World'

Date: Saturday July 19th
Opposition: Old Southendians

Starring: Tim Hewitt

We all have bad days.

Some days are however worse than others. For Tim Hewitt the Saturday game against Old Southendians would see him:

• Turn up late
• Forget his cricket trousers
• Have to watch the most boring innings of batting ever
• Tread in a huge pile of dog crap that instantly wound itself round his pimpled cricket boots
• Suffer horrific bouts of wind (Although others suffered perhaps more)
• Watch as Liston scored 70 and finally...
• Bat at number 6 when only 3 wickets fell in the Leigh innings!

All in all, not a day to tell the grandchildren about.


Number 6 - 'Leading by example'

Date: Saturday July 5th
Opposition: Westcliff

Starring: Brian Pettitt

Games against Westcliff are always hard fought, and normally have a fair share of aggro involved somewhere along the line. From debatable umpiring decisions, to dodgy catches and non walking there is always something to get people riled.

This game was no different.

As the Westcliff first team had been soundly spanked by the latest in a long line of first team conquerors during the year, the core of their team was seated on the boundary of the Leigh pitch to watch the Westcliff second team try to stave off a concerted Leigh assault. With Leigh very much on top in the game one late middle order partnership started growing worryingly for the home side. With messers Power, Catchpole and Pettitt all trying manfully to dismiss either of the two batsman (no-one knew there names unsurprisingly) as it became clear that Leigh efforts to wind up the game were becoming less and less fruitful, the attempts of the Westcliff first team to wind up Brian Pettitt were starting to pay dividends.

As Brian strained to get that extra yard of pace to blow the batsman away he overstepped, ruthlessly called by the umpire and cheered by the Westcliff support on the boundary. Brian ran in again but again was caught no balling. Another cheer went up. By this time steam can be seen erupting from the ears of the giant seamer and as he walks back to his mark he delivers a vitriolic burst toward the Westcliff first team who greet it with mocked 'ooooing' which did not please the skipper anymore than the no-balls were. After getting to the end of the over (only overstepping a further time to the delight of the visitors) Brian walked back down to fine leg, not before he aimed an outstretched digit in the general direction of the Auld Enemy.

Golden Moments 2008 countdown 15-11

After the rundown of 'The Voices' top 15 most shameful and inglorious moments from the Centenary Season last year with Simon Wallace just pipping Paul Sibley to the title, anticipation has been high for who and what would be challenging for the crown this season. Players have been on their toes, administrators have been sharpening their knives and everyone has been wanting to avoid the top spot. The selection process has been laborious, the contenders have been whittled down, and the final 15 are ready! So eyes down, look in, here we go.

Number 15 - 'Heads!!'

Date: Saturday September 6th
Opposition: Benfleet

Starring: Richard 'Handbag' Stubbington and Brian Pickles


We all know that sometimes, fashion is a very important thing to take into consideration. When going out drinking with friends, or to a meal with that special someone, you always want to look your best. Clothing is selected with style in the front of your mind. What statement do I want to make with what I am wearing?

Sometimes however style has to be ignored, and in even more extreme circumstances it has to be bound, gagged and tossed into the nearest open waterway. One of these extreme times was in the last second team league game against Benfleet. Benfleet's home ground Woodside Park is to warm weather what Genghis Khan was to international diplomacy. A chill breeze is always blowing through the wild open tundra of Benfleet and on this day stinging horizontal rain had decided to ride on the wind. This meant that, although everyone was keen to get out and win the vital promotion game, no-one was looking forward to the mild pneumonia that might come from the conditions. Richard Stubbington, never one to provide fielding bravery in any way shape or form, was concerned that his delicate physical condition was under threat from the elements. In an effort to ensure his own warmth and wellbeing, he elected to strap on an extra large 'Freddie' long sleeve woolly jumper.

Now as everyone knows Selfington's throw has never been the strongest, in fact throughout his career many have chanced a 'risky' two only to find they get home with time to spare before his throw arrives. This day with the long sleeves on his extra layer that would have dwarfed the arms of an NBA All Star, his throw was further hampered. Midway through the innings a flick through square leg off Dan Power sent Richard scampering toward the boundary in pursuit of the ball. Having caught the projectile, Richard turned to throw. Although the speed of his arm was negligible, his accuracy was perfect and straight as an arrow it flew back to the strip. The only thing that stood in the way of the ball striking the stumps and potentially leaving the batsman floundering mid-pitch was the area between the shoulder blades of the square leg umpire. At that precise moment the square leg umpire was the Northern Warrior that is Brian Pickles, a man never known to hide his disgust or displeasure at various cricketing matters at various points in his life. At being struck by the throw, Brian instantly winced with the pain of the blow, before half turning and hurling his plastic over and ball counter to the floor (with a great deal more power than Richard had managed). Glaring at the heavily jumpered miscreant with what criminal justice lawyers would describe as almost "reason enough to convict, your honour" Brian was clearly unimpressed. Casual observers later commented they were unsure whether Brian was annoyed because of the direction of the throw or disappointed with the lack of power.


Number 14 - 'Standing up to the Captain'

Date: Saturday May 31st
Opposition: West Essex

Starring: Dave Clarke and Brian Pettitt


After another week of persistent rain there was a grey cloud over the entire cricket programme for the last weekend in May. Somehow the second team fixture went ahead, with conditions at West Essex best described as 'damp' and at worst 'quagmire'. The second team took to the field to start the show. With the track performing schizophrenically with indifferent bounce very much to the fore, the positioning of the keeper and slips was seen by captain Brian Pettitt as vitally important early doors. Having seen one ball fail to bounce at all from the skiddy Steve Elliott, Brian instructed his keeper Mr D. Clarke in his finest commander in chief voice to "come up a few yards Clarkey, its not gonna bounce much today son!"

This request was not met with much glee by Dave however, who replied by asking whether the captain would maybe prefer to take over the role behind the stumps himself. Cue a very frank exchange of views between the two protagonists on both the merits of a 6 foot 5 inch wicketkeeper (everyone knows 5 foot 10 is the optimum keeping height), of the captain keeping wicket and the importance of a wicketkeeper batsman being able to think for himself.

Both will be producing their findings in short essays on these topics very shortly.


Number 13 - 'Showtime!!'

Date: Saturday July 12th
Opposition: Everyone

Starring: Dan Power


Leigh is a club with its fair share of personalities, with the angry, the bizarre, the good, bad and definitely the ugly. However this year, one man has been arguably the biggest personality on the pitch at our club. Dan Power, leg spinner for the second team has been taking wickets, making big hitting runs down the order and pissing off opponents all season.

After one fielding display in which catches were being dropped at a staggering rate, Dan after taking one, produced his coup de grace - "You gotta want it!! I caught it cos I wanted it!!" This catchphrase was repeated at various clutch points through the season as Dan helped spin Leigh to the title.

Dan's other trump card up his sleeve is his ability as well as delivering leg breaks is delivering top notch extremely loud shrill appeals at an unbelievable rate. These appeals not only stop the game for the umpires decision, they stop other games in the park! Once this appeal has been adjudged successful by the umpire (no doubt packing aspirin) then starts a celebration that Monty Panesar would be proud of.

The new Leigh showman - Dan Power!


Number 12 - 'Oh baby its cold outside.'

Date: Saturday April 19th
Opposition: Westcliff

Starring: Richard Stubbington and Dan Power


Another tale of Richard Stubbington 'Stubbo' not revelling in the cold conditions on a cricket field, but this time he had a partner in crime. The preseason friendly against Westcliff had already seen two moments that told of what was to follow during the rest of the season, with firstly Jon Threadgold giving Richard a life by failing to give Stubbo out stumped, when he was late on returning to the crease by about 2 seconds (he preceded to go on to get an asthma pump fuelled 90) and the other taste of what was to come was the first in a season of cameo's by one D Liston (39).

As Westcliff toiled on a bitingly cold day at the CPCG, it soon became clear that when Leigh fielded it would probably be even colder. After tea, many of the fielding team took extra time to slip on a long sleeve tshirt or a jumper. Stubbington and Power were the last two left in the changing room as the rest of the side arrived out onto the field greeted by a lovely early season combination of howling winds and leaden grey skies that continued threatening rain.

Power arrived onto the field first of the two, wearing multiple underlayers, two jumpers, a truly horrible fleecy looking bright white adidas coat (resplendent with light blue three stripe) and to top this polite society fashion crime was a grey and red beanie hat! Unforgivable. Everyone on the field thought they had seen it all. That is until Selfington appeared.

Richard rolled onto the field looking less like a well honed cricketing machine ready to wage war onto the Westcliff batting lineup, and more like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. He was tanked up with two 'baselayers', a t-shirt, two cricket shirts, a blue Leigh on Sea rain proof hooded macintosh, a short sleeved jumper a long sleeved jumper and his blue slazenger sun hat. Loud laughter could be heard from all parts as he shuffled his way onto the field, as the hood of the rain proof poked out the back of the long sleeved jumper and the sun hat was pulled down as far as it could reach over his ears in a desperate effort to ward off the cold.

To keep his hands warm he spent the next two hours fielding like a gimp.


Number 11 - 'Holiday! Celebrate!'

Date: Saturday July 12th
Opposition: Benfleet and Old Southendians

Starring: Stephen Elliott


When first team opening bowler Steve Elliott rocked up to the third team game against Benfleet midway through the season, his bowling statistics were not looking pretty, in fact up until that point in the year he had 'got into the wickets' fewer times than he had got into Reflex. As the rest of the team arrived, many cast green eyed gazes at Steve's golden tan which appeared to have materialised during the week. When asked if he had been on holiday, he surprisingly replied in the negative however. After more extensive questioning it was revealed that Steve's tanned glow was from a bottle of tan enhancing moisturiser applied in the morning! This tan which, at first glance looked fairly natural, proved upon closer examination to be rather streaky and patchy in coverage. As the opening (now West Indian) bowler started his run up for the first ball of the game, it became clear that something however was different.

After 5 overs Steve had 4 wickets! He was bowling with accuracy, speed and control and had systematically dismantled the Benfleet top order. 3 of which had been comprehensively bowled by 'Tanned Sidearse' setting up the team for a comprehensive 9 wicket victory. (Only batsman to fail - D Liston)

Seeing his season had now turned the corner, Steve arrived at the next game against Old Southendians sporting the same streaky sun tan that had graced Woodside Park. Proclaiming before the game in fact that his upturn in form had been purely because of his 'lucky tan'. After 5 overs of bowling Steve had however lost all of the good fortune his Curtly Ambrose looks had gained him the previous week and he had sunk back down into the mire of more pale faced Leigh medium pacers, without even so much as a sniff of a wicket.

Suffice it to say the 'lucky tan' did not appear the next week.

A club welcome....

Before the next installment of the northern voice column, the club would like to welcome Tim Knox as our overseas player this season.

We hope he enjoys his stay and doesnt get too much abuse....one of those is more likely than the other!


The Management

A winters tale.......

All cricketers know that the winter months always drag on horribly. The nights seem to be dark from September 1 right till the middle of April, the temperature drops to the point where even the most hardy P.E. teacher begins to consider a pair of trousers, and suddenly the roads are so full of cars that going out of your house becomes a complete chore.

Is it any wonder that once the light returns to the afternoons, that each year there are less and less cricketers scurrying into it in a vain attempt to warm their now emfeebled and horrifically plump bodies? Many reasons for this decline have been mooted, is it because the population are getting older and giving up the game? Is it because people are getting so morbidly obese that they can no longer trot a single where once they would have picked up a casual three? Oh no, these reasons are mere contrivances when considered against the actual reason. Wave after wave of cricketers are being affected mentally by Seasonal Affected Disorders of varying seriousness. These disorders range from the opening batsman that can no longer leave the house without checking that the light in his lounge is turned off 74 times (no more, no less) and is therefore unable to make the start of any game. To the genial off spinner that has gone steadily barmy from day after day of not seeing the sun, before finally snapping and going out one dark morning on a terrifying gun touting rampage, causing thousands of pounds worth of damage to local business and seriously injuring several innocent bystanders.

These types of extreme occurances are understandably rare (although up by 12% last winter due to England losing the Ashes in spectacular style) although the problem of SADS is an altogether more real threat to cricket.

Here at Leigh-on-sea, the winters are just as long as everywhere else in England, and although the warmth of Mariners and SS9 play their part in easing us through the dark days of winter (and the incomparable charms of the girls in reflex keep Stephen Elliott going week on week) a summer of cricket has the same kind of guilty pull to us as seeing scantily clad celebrities gyrating on Strictly Come Dancing.

Many cricketers have ways of avoiding the asylum however, little time wasters that allow the mind to refocus on things away from the cricket field. As the 2007/08 winter is now in full swing (cricket season is at T minus 121 days and counting), The Voice has asked some of the Leigh on Sea players how they are getting through the winter so far and here is what they said!



David Catchpole: I have taken on a particularly demanding medical degree, I am looking to better myself by giving something back to the community with my new skills. As an added bonus; if Lash breaks down at a game, I can offer (almost) top notch treatment of any potential fetlock injury.

Jon Threadgold: I have started my own pet sanctuary

Mark Nattrass: An eccentric Chocolatier moved into the area and, despite the potentially prohibitive dress code and the fact I am 7 foot taller than the rest of the workforce, I have disguised myself well enough to get a manual labour job at his new factory.

John Monk: I bought myself a dog

Alex Camp: I stalked major sports stars and then posed for slightly seedy looking pictures with them (in a nasty pink jumper)

Lee Willson: I spent the winter in hospital after telling Stuart Elliott “Seriously though Stu, I think Sean would make a better first team captain than you mate”.

Stephen Elliott: I started a family

All of these players have got through the winter unscathed, well apart from Willson of course. He will be back living only for his cricket come the first game (well maybe not the first game but once it gets sunny again he will return) as will all those of you who fill the winter with mind exercising tasks!!

Don’t let the winter get you down!! Cricket is almost back!!



The Voice

A fond farewell...

Although The Voice is in deep hibernation at the moment (I am having the rugby streamed live into my winter home deep underneath the tree in chalkwell park) I would like to take this opportunity to pop my head out of my burrow for a moment to wish our overseas player Chris Villani 'bon voyage'. Chris has been a stand out performer in the first team this year, forming a potent opening partnership with Braithers that I'm sure no opening batsmen enjoyed facing. I'm equally sure no tail enders enjoyed the fire breathing Australian tearing in either, especially the 12 year old at Billericay who is still having nightmares about the throat high beamer that Villani speared down at him.

Off the field Chris's personality shines through and his ability to crank the music in the club up to deafening levels without anyone trying to throw him through the window is testament to his popularity within Leigh. He has also helped out with numerous chores around the place and vital activities that have assisted the maintanence and upkeep of the club. His contributions have been noticed and greatly appreciated.

I know that he will be missed by all who dwell around the club, although now Rob Catchpole will now feel a bit freer in the changing rooms without the prospect of being face to face with 'little Chris' every time he turns around.

We hope to welcome Chris back at some point in the future, (he is better than Ray Clarence after all) for his talent, sense of humour, and the fact he is cheap!

Villani-ohh-ohhh-oh

The Final Dig...

The Voice is, as any true blue blooded cricket fan should be, going into hibernation now for the winter as the extremely dull and boring football season starts. The Voice would like to take this opportunity to thank all those that have featured in his many columns and that have taken it in the spirit it was intended. To all those that have taken offence to anything printed here, The Voice would just like to recommend that they ignore this column in the future for their own good.

The voice would like to single out Richard Selfington for particular praise, and his tireless efforts to provide The Voice with new material through his various comical activities on the cricket field have certainly not gone unnoticed. It is with this in mind that The Voice would like to congratulate Richard on being the inaugural winner of the ‘Voice’s Main Inspiration Award’. Richard had one innings in the first team this season which lasted just one ball before an umpire decided that he didn’t want such a selfish batsman at the crease scoring runs. Rich has picked up a new nickname ‘Selfington’ this year, which has swept through the club and has given The Voice much pleasure using it whenever he can. He has also been striving to reach a goal of 500 league runs, which looked like it was in the bag with him only needing 14 from the last game of the season against Basildon. Leigh put together a fairly untroubled total of 245 for 5 with 3 players getting 50’s and two scoring solid 20’s, in fact there was only one batsman to fall for less than 14 and that of course was Selfington. Leaving himself close but alas not holding a hamlet. This also gave The Voice plenty of amusement.

So take a bow Selfington, you have earned it!